A Greyhound Bus Christmas
by petals-to-fish
Summary: Lily took it upon herself to go visit Petunia for Christmas last minute. A quiet Christmas Eve with her fiancée was quickly replaced with a boot seller, a baby and an exploding eggnog. Lily just really wished her life were a Hallmark movie so that James would appear and save Christmas. Co-Written with Rissa-Explains-It-All (who actually lived this story) & GryffindorMischief.


**A/N:** Rissa-explains-it-all texted me last night with that opening liner and honestly? The rest of the story was too wild not to write into a fanfic. I also gave Rissa a happy ending she deserved. Shoutout to Rissa and GryffindorMischief for co-writing and beta-ing! Happy Holidays everyone!

xxx

Petals

* * *

**Lily Evans to group chat _The Girls_:** I'd like to personally file a complaint to greyhound and hallmark for not allowing me to have my Christmas season greyhound meet cute

**Lily Evans to group chat _The Girls_:** Instead I've got a boot seller behind me and the guy next to me engaged in conversation with him

**Marlene McKinnon to group chat _The Girls_:** okay bitch what kind of boots is boot guy selling?

**Lily Evans to group chat_ The Girls_: **cowboy?

**Marlene McKinnon to group chat _The Girls_:** damn, you really going to Cokesworth, huh?

**Lily Evans to group chat _The Girls_:** Where's my Christmas spirit magic man

**Marlene McKinnon to group chat _The Girls_:** Manchester

**Emma Vance to group chat _The Girls_:** Manchester

**Rissa Prewett to group chat _The Girls_:** Not on that bus

...

...

**Mary McDonald to Lily Evans:** but honestly how do we sue hallmark channel for raising our expectations and men just keep lowering them?

**Lily Evans to Mary McDonald: **we can both totally afford the lawyer fees right? Sue for emotional damages?

**Mary McDonald to Lily Evans: **I'd love to sue for emotional damages. Currently laying face down on the sofa eating Christmas chocolates. Alone.

**Lily Evans to Mary McDonald: **just call him, Mary, you clearly miss him

**Mary McDonald to Lily Evans: **I don't miss anyone who claims to hate Christmas music.

...

...

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** I think the boot seller just hoarsely sang/yelled "loove huuurrttttsss" and like yes sir, you're right.

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** forget marrying you, he's my type.

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** NOPE I DON'T THINK SO

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** Do you think boot sellers make money?

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** you don't need money

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** I just gambled all my money away to Sirius in a daring game of twister

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** you playing twister without me? The twister champion?

**James Deer to Lily Evans: **it was that or let Sirius drink all your wine in the cooler.

**Lily Evans to James Deer: **he still drank all my wine, didn't he?

**Lily Evans to James Deer: **DON'T leave me on read or I'm eloping with the boot seller.

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** elope, I dare you

...

...

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** babe. Baby. Bear. Boo. Bae.

**James Deer to Lily Evans: **?

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** I think one of the passengers behind me is on an _adult phone call_

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** He's either jacking off under his Rudolph sweater or jacking off using his Rudolph sweater.

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** am I allowed to make a very nasty joke?

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** I am deeply ~uncomfortable~

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** I'll save the dirty jokes for later then.

**Lily Evans to James Deer: **wish u were suffering along with me

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** sorry the buses were full. Love you.

...

...

**Mary McDonald to group chat_ The Girls:_** how's the hallmark movie going, Evans?

**Lily Evans to group chat _The Girls_:** There's a bloke getting off behind me, boot seller is selling boots, and the boy beside me is not a talented country singer running from his fame.

**Marlene McKinnon to group chat _The Girls_:** at least you're getting a free show. The airplanes would charge you double for your seats and extra for the porn.

**Lily Evans to group chat _The Girls_: **it's not funny Marlene, he keeps murmuring into his phone and his hands have been under his sweater for a long ass time. This is the proverbial free show we were warned about

**Rissa Prewett to group chat _The Girls_: **I just threw up a little in my mouth

**Mary McDonald to group chat _The Girls_:** i hate that for you. Also who jacks off in a Christmas sweater

**Lily Evans to group chat _The Girls_:** But ? where ? is ? my ? Man ?

**Marlene McKinnon to group chat _The Girls_:** Manchester

**Emma Vance to group chat _The Girls_:** Manchester

**Rissa Prewett to group chat _The Girls_:** Not on that bus

...

...

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** Potential boot buyer is talking to me?

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** asking for your opinion on boots?

**Lily Evans to James Deer: **no he's just talking...like small talk...what do I do?

**James Deer to Lily Evans: **If you need him to stop feel free to call me and I'll cough your ear off. Pretend to be your dying grandmother from Scotland. Or we could do some dirty talk for solidarity with slutty Rudolph

**Lily Evans to James Deer: **I'm dying Prongs, you're literally killing me. Why couldn't you have been on this trip with me?!

**James Deer to Lily Evans: **BECAUSE we didn't book the tickets in advance because you swore you were never going to talk to your sister again

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** don't hold my own drunk words against me that's against the rules

**James Deer to Lily Evans: **jokes on you if you think I follow rules

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** you have not followed a rule ever, in your life, it's super ~endeering~

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** how dare you break out animal puns when I can't be there to kiss you after each one

**Lily Evans to James Deer: **help meow-t

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** owl I know is I whale always love you

**James Deer to Lily Evans: **is this sexting?

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** I'd be lion if I said I didn't find you extremely hot from the very first day, DVM Potter

**James Deer to Lily Evans: **and I'd be a clownfish without you in my life

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** how do you make up animal puns so fast?!

**James Deer to Lily Evans: **my attempt was awful compared to yours

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** that's what he said

**James Deer to Lily Evans: **are you sure we have to wait until spring to be married?

...

...

**Marlene McKinnon to group chat _The Girls_:** did you buy me Christmas boots Evans?

**Lily Evans to group chat _The Girls_: **no, but the boy next to me just told me he's a final year, if ur interested

**Marlene McKinnon to group chat _The Girls_:** FETUS FETUS

**Lily Evans to group chat _The Girls_: **It explains why he's talking. It's bc he's innocent and naive to the greyhound. He was talking to me about school and religion and I'm just like... can I put on my headphones please.

**Marlene McKinnon to group chat _The Girls_: **Maybe he thinks you'll be his meet cute too...jk he's a child

**Lily Evans to group chat _The Girls_: **The last thing I hear before I finally put on my headphones, "I don't think stomach ulcers go away"

**Lily Evans to group chat _The Girls_:** Ugh where's my hallmarkkkkkk

**Marlene McKinnon to group chat _The Girls:_** Manchester

**Emma Vance to group chat _The Girls_:** Manchester

**Rissa Prewett to group chat _The Girls_:** Not on that bus

**Lily Evans to group chat _The Girls_:** thanks for the depressing reminder

...

...

**Lily Evans to James Deer: **boot seller is trying to sell a pair of leather knee highs to me

**James Deer to Lily Evans: **hot. damn, imagine meeting your sister in those. You'd be a legacy.

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** so tell him yes?

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** wHat is a legacy?

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** Alright Hamilton calm down

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** It's smelling boots in a love story you never get to see

**Lily Evans to James Deer: **Oh my godddd James. I heard the boot seller through my headphones. "I'm a troubadour"

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** okay now I'm really mad I'm missing this

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** Also def think I smell weed or something?

**James Deer to Lily Evans: **funny, I was just thinking the same thing

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** no seriously I think he has weed stuffed into his boots

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** see if he'll do a two-for-one so you can be lit up during Christmas with Petroleum.

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** Her name is Petunia.

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** she will be Petroleum until she apologizes to you for making you cry at your parents funeral

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** that'll never happen. Also people generally cry at funerals

**James Deer to Lily Evans: **then it's Petroleum forever, I don't make the rules. Also you know what I fuckin mean evans don't sass me

...

...

**Lily Evans to Sirius Blackevans:** hey will you go to the flat and make sure James isn't lonely? I feel bad for ditching him on Christmas Eve.

**Sirius Blackevans to Lily Evans: **trust me Evans, he's never been more uncomfortable in his life

**Lily Evans to Sirius Blackevans: **that...does...absolutely nothing to calm my worries

**Sirius Blackevans to Lily Evans: **I know ;)

...

...

**Lily Evans to James Deer: **The baby next to me said "I don't think Trump should be building a wall in the first place. It's a nice looking river."?! We weren't talking American politics. I just asked him if he wanted to switch seats so I could have the window?!

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** he's got a good point and the animals won't be able to cross lines anymore to breed with each other.

**Lily Evans to James Deer: **I forgot who I was texting…

**James Deer to Lily Evans: **quick, ask him if he loves the Mexican red wolf.

**Lily Evans to James Deer: **no

...

...

**Lily Evans to James Deer: **someone's drink exploded and now my bag and my clothes are covered in vodka spiked eggnog :(

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** this was not the Christmas Eve greyhound trip I wanted

**Lily Evans to James Deer: **this is nothing like a hallmark movie because if it was, you'd be here to keep me from crying.

**Lily Evans to James Deer: **I have been terribly lied to, where's my lawyer

**James Deer to Lily Evans:** I'm sorry baby, just hold on you're almost back to Cokesworth

**Lily Evans to James Potter: **...that DOESN'T make me feel any better…

**James Deer to Lily Evans: **I love you

**Lily Evans to James Deer: **come rescue me from this stupid idea

...

...

**Lily Evans to group chat _The Girls_: **arrived in Cokesworth. No hallmark man in sight just eggnog soaked clothes and dirty snow

...

...

**James Deer to Lily Evans: **turn around

**Lily Evans to James Deer:** are you drunk?

**James Deer to Lily Evans: **on the contrary, I've been in a cramped baggage holder underneath the greyhound this whole time so please turn around, I want to kiss you

...

...

**Lily Evans to group chat _The Girls_: **James surprised me!

**Marlene McKinnon to group chat _The Girls_:** we know, Hallmark Princess, we've been texting him the whole time.

**Rissa Prewett:** hope you two stopped snogging long enough to buy Marlene those weed boots tho, she really wants a pair

**Emma Vance: **Merry Christmas Lily & James !


End file.
